What I would say to my Pre-Transition Self
First of all I would probably have to convince the pre-transition me that I am in fact their future self. I’m sure they would be incredulous given how much I’ve changed physically since then. Indeed, a significant ex-girlfriend sat down next to me a few years back at a cafe. She had no idea who I was. I actually had to say “hello, I know you.” She looked right at me and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t recall meeting you.”
What followed was me revealing who I was and her mouth dropping wide open and then some astonishment followed by a great heartfelt conversation. This is sort of the reaction I would imagine from my pre-transition self. I don’t “reveal” myself lightly. I don’t think it’s polite nor appropriate to blindside people with my transition. However, with important people in my life I feel it’s necessary. Certainly with the pre-transition me if that were possible.
I would also reassure my former self. “It’s going to work out.” I would explain all the steps they would take in order to transition not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and socially. I would assure them that my former self’s greatest fear of losing their children after transition would not take place. My children would struggle, but would stay by my side. Ultimately they would see me as the same person who raised them. Incredibly they would even see me as a braver more complete person than they had known before.
I would explain some of the upcoming surgeries to my former self. There would be lots of pain and downtime recovering, but it would all be worth it. The doctors they would choose after interviewing a dozen would turn out to be the right ones. The hundreds of hours of hair removal would not be wasted. They would be thankful to wake up each morning without worrying about facial hair or seeing the wrong gender in the mirror.
In fact, they would be pleasantly surprised almost every morning at who they saw. She would be undeniably female and even attractive. She would have male suitors and be asked out by men that had no idea that she was transgender.
Perhaps most shocking in some ways, she would end up in relationships with men. Good men. Men who liked “her.” Not just a fetishized transgender fantasy, but liked her simply as a female partner and companion in a healthy heterosexual relationship.
I don’t know that my former self would believe me. It would seem impossible from where they were. If I told them they would be one of the first humans on Mars it might seem more possible. Back then arriving at this reality was literally outside of my capacity to hope for.
When my boyfriend asks me now, “why are you always smiling?” I tell him, “it’s because I made it to the other side of the rainbow. I never thought I would get here.” Now regardless of my current challenges, I am living a dream life that at one time I could not have imagined.
