Transition to women’s troubles
If I ever imagined my life after transition it seemed like a nebulous future of feeling more settled and happy just being me. It was my happy ending, not the beginning of a new post transition chapter. If it were a book, it would have been the last page of the story. What happened instead was a whole new sequel filled with new challenges called, “Life as a woman.” It’s challenges redefining my understanding of what it means to live life from a woman’s perspective.
Almost from day one, the lessons began. I remember that first day returning to work after transition all too well. Up to that point, most of my wardrobe had been geared towards going out to clubs. And not just any clubs, but clubs that catered to and were familiar with Gay and Trans people. I hadn’t realized how inappropriate most of my clothes were for the workplace until I found myself getting ready to return to it. Everything seemed wrong or tacky. Nothing matched. Most of my things were cheap or flashy. I hadn’t worried about buying quality, because nothing had to last. No one in my Transgender peer group had really cared. That all changed when I returned to work as my female self. I suddenly felt the eyes of other women on me in a way I had never experienced them. They were evaluating me and judging me based on what I was wearing. I was scrutinized by other women from head to toe. Their eyes suddenly revealed their judgment behind false smiles in a way I hadn’t been subjected to as a male.
There were some rough months as I learned how to make my wardrobe fit not only my workplace but who I was and what I wanted my clothes to say about me. I had to do some deep introspection and keen observation of other women in order to understand where I fit into this new reality. Did I really want to advertise my sexuality as I had in nightclubs? I learned that would win me no friends among other women. If they had a man with them, the last thing I wanted was him staring at my body. I learned that women don’t appreciate their guy’s attention being drawn by another woman’s provocative clothing.
That lesson was brought home in spades when I began dating men. Although I had learned to dress more tastefully, it didn’t mean my man could tell the difference. His eyes were drawn to the shiniest object in the room. It’s no wonder women often scorn their man’s intelligence when it comes to other women. There is a interplay between women that men never see. Women size each other up in a much more subtle way then men do. Their unspoken conversation done with their eyes rather than words. I’ve been that man who is scratching his head trying to understand why my date couldn’t tolerate another woman when outwardly they seemed to get along well.
Understanding men and their needs is pretty straight forward. At least from my perspective. I probably have some advantage in that department since I lived as one for so long. However, that doesn’t mean that I’m still not challenged by being in a relationship with one. I may understand them, but it doesn’t mean I am always happy with the way things are. While it’s nice to be treated to dinner and complimented when I look nice, that is only one side of a sword which cuts both ways. I’m no spring chicken. I transitioned at 52 and that was years ago. There are plenty of other younger women out there competing for my man’s attention. Because I understand my man’s needs and desires it doesn’t mean that I can control them. I understand too well how visual men are and how primitive that side of them is. They either want you physically or they don’t. And as a woman you want to keep that light switch in the on position.
There are two ways that a woman can keep her man physically interested. Her appearance and her performance in bed. I’m not saying that a man has no need for intelligence in a woman, but I am saying that the physical relationship and keeping a man’s interest alive is critical. Not that a man’s libido is the same at 65 as it is at 35. I do believe that being a complete partner is more important as we age, but I don’t think a woman can entirely let her guard down. Maintaining my appearance and my man’s attraction is an important part of my life now. And when I see those crow’s feet and bags under my eyes I’m as concerned as the next woman. Beauty maintenance is an expensive full time job that I am constantly trying to manage now.
And what if you do have your guy’s interest? His attraction comes with expectations. If that light switch is on, someone needs to take care of it. I learned that that switch may be on more often than I prefer. At one time I thought it was fun and exciting to get a man turned on. A roll in the hay as part of a date is wonderful. But that changes when you live together. What if everything you do causes that switch to go on? Suddenly I had a whole new lesson. If the light switch requires attention every night it starts being a lot less fun. It becomes an obligation. Now I occasionally start thinking about how I might be less attractive to my man. Maybe I don’t keep my legs shaved or wear that slinky nightie to bed. I’m sure any other woman my age would be laughing herself to tears reading this. It’s a lesson they learned decades ago. For someone my age and especially someone who spent so much time on the other side of the equation to be learning it now is quite comical.
And that’s only one part of my relationship with a man who has his own history. He has an ex-wife and adult children. That is a part of any relationship later in life. My relationship with my guy’s family and friends is a just another piece of the puzzle. They see me as an adult woman with my own history. The twist is of course, they don’t know a big part of that history was as a man. In some ways I should be flattered that they don’t know or can’t tell. But as always, the truth is out there like an anvil waiting to fall. What if we succeed? What if his children actually get along with me? Those aren’t a given and any woman who has dated a man with children knows how challenging that position is. Now imagine adding being Transgender to that equation? If my guy’s children like me as his girlfriend or spouse, how will they feel about me if they know that the woman their father is dating or married to is transgender? In that way my challenges are unique.
I continue to learn how to live with the new difficulties and problems other women face. These have been hard and often unanticipated lessons. Some trivial or superficial while others are much bigger or more substantial. There is no question that I am living the life I hoped for, but there is much more to this new post transition book than I had imagined. I don’t think it’s a fairy tale anymore if I ever really did. This life isn’t fiction either. Sometimes it’s like a cheap novel, but at least there’s more to be written.
