A man uses my body as a means of reaching orgasm. Put less politely, “getting off.” He’s not the only one enjoying the experience, but my body is more his plaything than the other way around. His sensual object to be explored, touched, grabbed, moved, rubbed, and available when he wants it. I’m often a contortionist for my man’s pleasure. I twist in different pretzel shapes to accommodate his immediate desires. The roles can be reversed, but let’s say the male energy is the objectifier and the female energy the object of the desire. Even though I’ve played this male role, I prefer the Yin or female energy. This female objectified role is what cisgender women have been expected to be in one way or another for as long as human beings have existed.
This new awareness explains much about why women have rallied against being objectified. It’s a lot to ask of a person. To be a man’s source of sexual pleasure and have his semen and sweat and saliva all over you when he’s done. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but it may not always be what a woman wants. I’m almost embarrassed at some of these revelations. Most cisgender women take this position for granted. It’s just life. It’s how men are. The intensity or regularity of a man’s approaches may be too often, too aggressive or simply too much. Many women choose to say “no” or to set limits. The experience doesn’t feel special or mutual. That’s when the feeling of being an object is most intense. It can feel like a burden constantly being pawed by your man. That’s when one might say, “I’m tired”, or “not tonight.”
I think I’m fortunate in that I enjoy being with my guy. He’s older so the pawing isn’t constant. It would be tougher if it were every night. He’s a very considerate and generous lover, so this is in no way a one-sided equation. In truth, the balance probably tips more in my favor. So the bleak picture of the sweaty beast slobbering all over me isn’t a very good analogy. I do have moments when my awareness of being the beleaguered woman is awakened. Moments when I’m tired and my man begins to touch me in a way that indicates he wants to be physical. In those moments I’m hyper-aware that my body is something he enjoys. Something that turns him on. I may not necessarily want it in that moment, but I normally allow these things to progress because I know exactly what he’s feeling. I don’t say, “I’m tired,” because I know what it means to a man to hear that phrase too often.
Of course, men derive a lot of physical pleasure from sex. That part is obvious. But the need is not as basic as it sometimes appears. Part of a man’s need is to simply connect. To be intimate. Men don’t have the opportunities to have intimate conversations the way women do. People rarely touch a man, and men are not allowed to touch others. A man has to be very careful when he touches other men and even more careful about touching a woman. Inappropriate touching can get him into trouble in both situations, so it’s safer just not to. At the end of the day, a man may have had no physical contact with anyone at all. And then he lies down in bed with his female partner who is soft and smells good, and she says “no” too. It’s like having a piece of candy waved under his nose and then having it snatched away. If this goes on for days, weeks, or months, a man will begin feeling depressed, isolated, and resentful. No one can tolerate that sort of physical isolation forever. Something will eventually snap. Whether he has an affair or acts out in some other way, it’s inevitable. This is an experience most cisgender women do not endure or fully understand. The intense physical isolation of being male in our society.
This intimacy dance is the push and pull that men and women live with. One needing it and the other having too much. The Yin and Yang of life. One pursuing and the other retreating. Circling around and around. As a Transgender woman, I have been on both sides. I know why one pursues and the other retreats. One is the desirer and the other the desired. Men are isolated and women overwhelmed. I give my body so my man can find balance. His needs are clear to me and very simple to understand. I’ve worked hard to arrive at this place. A place where my man gives me the touch I need and knows I will be that intimate place for him when he needs me too.