There are moments when I really wonder how I got here. It maybe something small, like cleaning my boyfriend’s house and realizing that I’m literally cleaning his house in a bra and underwear without any concern or awareness at all, when this was something I would have almost paid to do before transition. It makes me conscious of how far I’ve come, not only physically, but psychologically. I’ve incorporated my female existence into my reality so thoroughly that I hardly notice events that at one time would have seemed the stuff of fantasy.
I’m doing dishes or laundry or my makeup in the mirror and my boyfriend comes up and hugs me from behind. His soft kisses and caresses as his hands run all over my body. It may become something more or maybe it’s just a brief moment of intimacy. I take them as a normal part of our relationship but once again, these moments are actually quite profound. These simple unremarkable moments really are the ultimate evolution of my lifetime’s goal. To simply be female. To be the female partner in a loving, romantic relationship. It has taken everything I have to be just that. Lately I’ve caught myself letting these moments get by without even acknowledging how special and incredible they are.
The other day, however something surreal happened that I was perhaps a bit less prepared for. I was visiting my ex-wife at her husband’s estate. I came to hang out because my son and his family were visiting from out of town. During our visit we all ended up in a big hot-tub. The group included my ex, her husband, my boyfriend, my daughter, my son, his wife and their child. We were all chatting away happily, but my radar starting going off because I kept feeling my ex’s husband’s eyes on me. I’m not sure if I always had this radar or awareness, but as a woman, I have learned to feel when a man has me in his sights. When I have sparked his interest. I was in a bathing suit of course, so I was somewhat on display, but so was everyone else in the jacuzzi. It wasn’t as if I were somehow trying to get his attention. Now this all might be no big deal except my ex left me for this man over twenty years ago. This same man whose eyes were now on me knew me as a man before I transitioned.
Complicated? Definitely. Strange, awkward, and absolutely surreal. My ex left me for this man after having over a year long affair with him behind my back. It all blew up when I discovered my ex’s diary with all the sordid details of their year long affair written down. He was married and we were all friends, so it was a dramatic and traumatic explosion causing years of pain and readjustment for everyone, not least of all all of our children. Now here I was 25 years later as a different gender and this man’s eyes are now on ME? I ignored it and hoped it would just go away, but after we were done and everyone was preparing to go things got even stranger.
We had some drinks and food while we were in the jacuzzi, so I was being a good guest and bringing some of the items into the kitchen. I knew the house well, having visited numerous times over the years both before and after transition. My boyfriend had gotten dressed and was waiting for me in the car outside. I had changed too and was wearing blue jeans and a tank top as I put the dishes down in the sink. As I did it, I felt a presence behind me. I thought, “here’s my boyfriend getting ready to hug me from behind again.” I turned around with a smile, but was shocked to see my ex’s husband standing there. There was no mistake what his eyes were saying now. “You look incredible.” He said. “Um, thanks.” I replied trying to squirm away from the sink. “You know, I was looking at you while we were in the pool,” he continued, “your ass, your boobs, your face, you really are a beautiful woman. Really pretty.” “Woah boy.” I thought. This was definitely surreal. “Is this really happening?” I wondered. Is my ex wife’s husband really hitting on me? “My boyfriend is waiting.” I said as I slipped past him and scooted out the door. “Whew.” I thought as I sat down in the passenger seat of my boyfriend’s car. “Are you Okay?” my boyfriend asked as he started the engine. “ Oh yeah.” I answered giving him a wink. “Just another day in the life.” And the surreal beat goes on…