A Trans Visit with Family

‘He, I mean She…´ That sums it up. Visiting with family one hasn’t seen in months or years can be exceptionally trying. No matter how well you pass in your daily life, your siblings will always remember you first as the role you played in their childhood.

I recently had a reunion with five of my six siblings, their partners and some of their adult children. Some of whom I hadn’t seen in years. One sibling I hadn’t seen in almost a decade. We hadn’t gotten together for a variety of reasons. COvID was certainly one, but I had not been contacted by any of my siblings in the past few years and I felt forced to conclude it was because of my transition.

My family isn’t great at communication. It’s not unusual for us to go months without talking, but I hadn’t heard from many of them in three years. One sibling and his family live just across town. It would almost seem impossible that I haven’t just run into them unless they were actually avoiding me. During those three years I learned of smaller gatherings at their house with other siblings through social media or from mutual friends, so I knew that it wasn’t just me being paranoid. They were intentionally excluding me.

At first I wondered if it was actually happening. I thought perhaps it was just a my imagination or an oversight that I hadn’t been invited to these smaller gatherings. But it kept happening and my feelings of being excluded grew. I tried texting my siblings or emailing. I sent letters and cards, but had very curt or short responses in return. Social media began to be my enemy because it showed my siblings gathering with their families without me. It became hard to keep liking photos that I wasn’t part of. I closed my social media accounts. My resentment and anger towards my family began to germinate.

And then one brother had a heart attack. This suddenly changed everything. I reached out with more effort so I could speak with him. He was warmer and glad for my call. We began to speak and communicate more often as he recovered. He seemed to have a new understanding that my transition hadn’t made me less of his sibling. Our shared past was still there, and he seemed to have a renewed appreciation for it.

And then another sibling had a heart attack. Another a near death experience during an emergency landing in a small plane. Finally a third sibling had a heart failure and transplant. It seemed there was a higher power delivering a message to my family. It said, ‘life is short and no days are guaranteed. Embrace your loved ones while you can.’ And that was how our reunion was born. We met on Zoom and talked until we found a time and place to gather.

I won’t say that I went without some trepidation. I had a lot of anxiety about the event especially because I was introducing my boyfriend to my family for the first time. Who knew what he might think or what inappropriate story might be shared with him? In addition I still harbored some hurt and resentment towards some of my siblings and their partners for excluding me all these years. However, the necessity of seeing my family outweighed my concerns. In addition, my boyfriend insisted that I needed to attend. He was eager to meet them and show my family how much he cared for me. I dug deep, put on my big girl pants and committed to go.

We arrived a little late. Not intentionally, but there was the prerequisite miscommunication in timing etc. My family still hadn’t established ideal or even normal levels of information sharing. I had a couple of these miscues that almost caused me to cancel, but my boyfriend talked me down and got me in the car. We had a chat before we walked in and formulated a game plan. He was going to be at my side and on my team even if no one else was.

But they were. We walked in the door and we were greeted with big smiles and hugs all around. My boyfriend worked the crowd as I caught up with my family. Most had met me since transition with the exception of my younger brother who had been working and traveling in Asia for almost a decade. His first words were, ‘wow, amazing.’ We hugged and chatted warmly as if no time had passed.

Other than one brief misgendering by an older sibling, things went very well. I realized how much family members naturally want to keep referring to each other as they were when they were children. My younger brother who is 58, 6’1 and 210 pounds still has ‘little’ sometimes placed before his name. I suppose old habits die hard. I never felt that anyone was disrespectful towards me during the evening or saw me as anything other than a woman. I just think the one slip up was an old habit and my brother immediately apologized. I told him not to worry and that we would get him trained soon enough. We shared a laugh and I could tell he really cared about me enough to make the effort.

So far things seem better in my family and they seemed to genuinely like my boyfriend. Perhaps there had been some exclusion in the past and perhaps there will be more in the future. Families are definitely complicated and our relationships with them often painful. It was challenging to go back into my sibling structure and attempt to change my place in it. I’m sure in many ways they see me as the same person I have always been. But at least at this reunion they all respected my wish to be referred to by my current name and gender. The rest I can’t control or worry about.